Trust

Growing up we are always told to trust. You are supposed to trust your friends, your family and the good people. Back then as kids, the good people were pretty much everyone and the bad people were the ones who committed crimes, tried to lure you in their cars with candy and such.

Then in high school, you trust all your friends until they steal your boyfriend, talk behind your back or take money from you. That is when you start learning there are more bad people out there than just the ones you were told of as a child.

But there were always ones that you could trust no matter what. Your Mom and your Dad and they trusted each other.

So then when it comes the time for you to be an adult, you pretty much know who you can trust. A few friends, your immediate family and you want to believe you can trust your boyfriend.

That's where the problem starts. Your parents trusted each other (if they were still together) so you should be able to trust your boyfriend and then your husband.

Ok, trust has always been difficult for me because of infidelity. But you still trust them anyway because its not going to happen again, right!?!?

But then it gets to a point where the trust is gone and everything that you believed in is gone. Right from the friends sleeping with your husband to the husband who just sleeps with everyone, so when the phone rings, you want to be the first to answer to see who it is, to, interrogating them to what they did while they were gone and who they were with.

So now it comes back to who can I trust? I know that I have that handful of friends that I can trust but who else??

I'm really having issues with trusting men now. How do I know they aren't going to cheat or hurt me like the ex did?? I feel like I have this wall put up that prevents anyone from getting in. Its like I'm sabotaging every relationship because of the whole trust thing. Why some guys actually stick around is beyond me because I know I talk to them bad. Pushing them away.

I'm sick of being alone and I want to be with Mr. Right but I don't want to be hurt again. I can't!!! But how can I stop?? I'm happy for the first time in a long time but I'm scared. The wall has come down some, but not much. Uuuuggghhh...why can't people just have signs on their forehead that says good and bad and life would be so much easier and less stressful.

Let me guess every one's response to this, its time right?? Ok, now the question for you is how much time does it take??

Death

Growing up, I had a total fear of death.
Going to Catholic school it was mentioned alot. Being good and when we die we go to heaven. If we are bad, we go to hell. And then there is Purgatory, but it really doesn't exist.
Being harped upon all my life put this utter fear into me.
I would even go to bed at night and actually think about it. Well when we die, is it total darkness?? Does heaven actually exist or do we just go into the box and decay into nothing. The latter was the one I was most afraid of.
My dad died when I was in the 6th grade. I was actually going to Skaith at the time. That way I could ride the bus home and be able to give my dad his morphine for his pain.
I witnessed my dad in so much pain. There were machines the hospital sent home to help ease the pain and along with the medicines, they didn't work.
He had Multiple Melanoma, cancer of the bones. When I was in Kindergarten, I fell asleep in my parents bed. My dad came and picked me up to carry me into bed when he heard the snap and the pain go through his body. He never dropped me. But after I was in bed he went to get my mom and in a few short days was diagnosed with the cancer.
I witnessed his pains from that time until he passed that January of my 6th grade.
I cried when I found out and then a wave came over me and told me that he was not suffering anymore. So I stopped. There was no grieving him or wishing he was back. I was relieved.
After that point, I never thought about death. Sure it happened, but it was like I had no opinion of it anymore.
I grew up, friends were my entire life and I lived what was taught to me in the bible. Treat others as you want to be treated. Lived my life obeying the 10 commandments. Be faithful to your spouse. Do not steal. All of them!!!
I met Mika when I turned 17. We were together for 18 1/2 years and I was faithful the whole time. I gave him all my love, every ounce of me. And for what??? For it to be taken from me and given to someone else. How is that fair??? How is a good God that you live according to his ways, capable of doing this??? When you marry that one person you are supposed to be together forever!!!
I died inside.
My kids were at an age that they were defiant and I was not able to discipline them the way they should be. I was dead inside.
The only person I was left with was my mother.
Endless, countless days I would sit with her watching TV. with her.
We talked and she cared.
So now here I am having yet another person I love taken from me.
How could a good and gracious God really inflict so much pain and suffering to one person???
Once again, I am dead inside.
I have friends that I am very grateful for, but I am living in a cold place.
I am no longer afraid of dying, in fact I embrace it now. The day it happens to me, there will be a smile on my face and happiness that I am actually gone from this awful, cruel, lonely place. Happy to be laid into the earth only to eventually be a part of it.