Death

Growing up, I had a total fear of death.
Going to Catholic school it was mentioned alot. Being good and when we die we go to heaven. If we are bad, we go to hell. And then there is Purgatory, but it really doesn't exist.
Being harped upon all my life put this utter fear into me.
I would even go to bed at night and actually think about it. Well when we die, is it total darkness?? Does heaven actually exist or do we just go into the box and decay into nothing. The latter was the one I was most afraid of.
My dad died when I was in the 6th grade. I was actually going to Skaith at the time. That way I could ride the bus home and be able to give my dad his morphine for his pain.
I witnessed my dad in so much pain. There were machines the hospital sent home to help ease the pain and along with the medicines, they didn't work.
He had Multiple Melanoma, cancer of the bones. When I was in Kindergarten, I fell asleep in my parents bed. My dad came and picked me up to carry me into bed when he heard the snap and the pain go through his body. He never dropped me. But after I was in bed he went to get my mom and in a few short days was diagnosed with the cancer.
I witnessed his pains from that time until he passed that January of my 6th grade.
I cried when I found out and then a wave came over me and told me that he was not suffering anymore. So I stopped. There was no grieving him or wishing he was back. I was relieved.
After that point, I never thought about death. Sure it happened, but it was like I had no opinion of it anymore.
I grew up, friends were my entire life and I lived what was taught to me in the bible. Treat others as you want to be treated. Lived my life obeying the 10 commandments. Be faithful to your spouse. Do not steal. All of them!!!
I met Mika when I turned 17. We were together for 18 1/2 years and I was faithful the whole time. I gave him all my love, every ounce of me. And for what??? For it to be taken from me and given to someone else. How is that fair??? How is a good God that you live according to his ways, capable of doing this??? When you marry that one person you are supposed to be together forever!!!
I died inside.
My kids were at an age that they were defiant and I was not able to discipline them the way they should be. I was dead inside.
The only person I was left with was my mother.
Endless, countless days I would sit with her watching TV. with her.
We talked and she cared.
So now here I am having yet another person I love taken from me.
How could a good and gracious God really inflict so much pain and suffering to one person???
Once again, I am dead inside.
I have friends that I am very grateful for, but I am living in a cold place.
I am no longer afraid of dying, in fact I embrace it now. The day it happens to me, there will be a smile on my face and happiness that I am actually gone from this awful, cruel, lonely place. Happy to be laid into the earth only to eventually be a part of it.